Shoe Whore

Good Morning. This is my first attempt at blogging so you”ll just need to bear with me (or stop reading, your choice).

So, over tea (with waaay too much sugar–should switch to lower cal coffee), I decide to go into my closet and look for a black tank to wear to the gym. This is not a walk in, but one of those narrow nooks euphamistically referred to a “closet” by the builders of my postage stamp sized San Francisco apartment. Anyway, as I slide the door open, I hear a scraping noise that could only be one thing.

Yep, too late, Three shoe boxes break loose from their neatly organized stack and tumble to earth, breaking open nicely on my head and scattering their contents all over my floor. You would think that six shoes wouldn’t make much of a mess. You would be right, six shoes wouldn’t. However, since I have such a small apartment and storage is at such a premium, I had at least two pairs of shoes in each boot box. With some judicious planning, I can fit at least 2 pairs of boots and a pair of pumps in each. Thus, sixteen lovely shoes exploded into my room. Fortunately, my ten pound Pomeranian, Princess Hester Persimmon the Naughty (don’t ask) made her escape when she heard the squeaking. Sad to think that my dog”s smarter than I am. But this is often the case. Of course, she doesn’t wear shoes. I bought her a pair once, she laughed.

Ever hear a Pom laugh??? Humiliating.

As I was cleaning up the designer mess, I considered the bizarre and tortured relationship I (and most heterosexual women) have with footwear.  We have shoes for every occasion: Some of us have shoes for every outfit. Some of us, more than i pair per outfit. That first pair just didn’t work and they were expensive and sooo cute and i’m sure i can find SOMETHING to wear with them.  Every woman reading this knows the story. In my recent move from Albuquerque, NM, to Martinez, CA, I had two huge Rubbermaid containers filled with shoes. OK, in one i had a few gym clothes as well. All in all, I have moved 50 pairs of shoes. I still have 2 pairs of gym shoes, 2 pairs of snow boots, sandals, slippers, and assorted other shoes in my old house just waiting to be moved.

Shoes tell our story. While i was married, i lived in gym shoes and slip ins. Now, I usually wear boots, except when i’m at the gym. Widowhood has required more emancipated footwear, i guess. 

Shoes change our lives. We walk through life in them, they’re our contact point with the earth. They make us taller, fitter, and prettier (in our minds), and more capable. They tell a story. I still have the shoes i got married in. Made of lace and encrusted with pearls, i had them sealed with my wedding dress and veil. On a post-it i wrote, “in case of emergency, break glass.” I meant a shoe emergency. I couldn’t care less about the dress.

Shoes assuage our vanity. Even if we’ve gained a couple of pounds and our clothes don’t hang well, our shoes still rock. We can buy shoes when we’re fat. I mean, who’s ever heard of, “fat shoes” and “skinny shoes”? You sure can’t say that about jeans, or that perfect lbd for that matter.

In assuaging our vanity, our shoes can make us lame. High heels, tight toes, can cause everything from back problems to bunions. And yet we gladly sacrifice our skeletal health on the backs of that gorgeous little pair of Manolos. Most of us (me included)would rather be mugged in high heels that make self defense or retreat impossible then wear sensible (read:ugly) footwear that might give us a fighting chance.

After all, who wants to be seen in ugly shoes?

In the time it’s taken for me to finish this blog, I have acquired another three pairs of gym shoes. This does not alleviate my closet crowding issues.Ultimately, I decided to get a larger apartment to deal with my burgeoning shoe collection. I’ll have a second bedroom with a second closet by the end of April. Think i’ll turn it into a shoe closet. After all, who needs clothes when you have the right shoes???

Thanks for reading…

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2 Responses to Shoe Whore

  1. Bill Kenney says:

    I don’t know, will your NEW closet match any of the shoes you already have, or are you going to have to find something that goes well with a second closet.

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